Beta Vulgaris – Beeting-Off Cancer

23 Jan

So diddle me this… Do you remember why I started this blog? It was sort of a manual over-ride  – a new year challenge to myself. I was sick of our fast food nation, wanted stop choking the (fried) chicken and start waxing more zucchinis.  I needed a reason to play with my pencil  – write – and try new veggies!

beetThis time around I haven’t figured out what my goal is, yet, but I think fighting cancer or better yet beet-ing off cancer is a worthy goal.

So, this week at the grocery store I grabbed life by the beet balls and worked on whipping up some cancer fighting self-love.
Did you know beets are a cancer slaying superfood? It apparently has to do with the red color combined with the naturally occurring nutrients. What a great reason for rosy palms! Don’t believe me check out this study – “Synergistic cytotoxicity of red beetroot (Beta vulgaris L.) extract with doxorubicin in human pancreatic, breast and prostate cancer cell lines.”

Ok, are you done geeking out with the medical reports? Let’s get back to beet-ing off! In our house we beet-off weekly, sometimes as often as daily; so it was difficult to find new and interesting ways to beet it. First, I thought when is the most unlikely time to beet? I came to the conclusion that we make deposits in the veggie spank bank for lunch  – with beet salad and over and over again at dinner but breakfast and dessert are under-served times of day to dine with Ms. Palmer.

So, I decided that Beet it Breakfast Pancakes and Triple B Ice Cream would be handie ways to do it.

Pancakes are a solid way to start the day with energy in case you need to battle a purple headed stormtrooper or troll the bermuda triangle later!

ingreWhat you need:
– 1 medium to large roasted and peeled beet
– 1 and 1/4 cup (possibly 1/4 more) milk (or almond milk)
– 1 large egg
– 1/3 cup plain Greek yogurt
– 1 teaspoon vanilla extract
– 2 cups of heart-healthy Bisquick
– Optional toppings: sour cream, confectioners sugar

What to do:
– Puree beet, till smooth
– In a bowl mix beet puree and rest of the ingredients till smooth
-Batter should be the consistency of fat free yogurt NOT think like greek – if it is thick add some additional milk and mix.
– Grab your griddle and flap those jacks!!

VegGina Tip: 2-  These freeze nicely if you ever want to go on auto pilot one morning.

pancake

Beet Pancakes topped with powdered-sugar and sour cream. YUM!

They were approved by the gremlins and the man with the hairy hands – looks like I earned alone time to work out at the Y!

Recipe 2 was dessert  – this one I have no power of authorship on this one — except for my ice cream making method.

 

beetic

Triple B Ice Cream – Berry, Banan, Beet 

Eat to Beat has an AMAZING compendium of recipes that are beautiful and cancer fighting FUN! This Triple B Ice Cream is amazing – recipe here!

VegGina Tips: 1-  I used my YoNana Machine — we make banana ice cream like once a week — it is dairy free, fat free and amazing! Anytime your bananas are going limp – feel ‘um, peel ‘um and smack ‘um in the freezer!

paulieb

He beets it incognito! 

 

In conclusion, BEET IT often it tastes good, feels better and f*cks cancer right out of your glands!

Hope you get a handful this week! Until, next time my Veggie-loving friends!

Peace & Veg –
VegGina

*No animals were harmed or pussy grabbed in the writing of this post.*

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5 Years, 2 Kids & 2 Woke Recipes for 2017…

12 Jan

Hello 2017! Say what? I know, I know you haven’t heard from VegGina in 5 years

But, I’ve been busy making a crazy career move plus two babies and pureeing THEIR veggies.

dface

Check out that face, veggie puree all the way!

Sure, there have been many veggie victories along the way; many freezer and crock-pot related (due to 40,000 miles of business travel in 2016) –

crock

Pork & Broccoli Rabe Crock Pot Style

and some well veggie missteps along the way… (WHAT?!! I was all alone in CHICAGO).

 

ice

Yes, Beer AND Ice Cream!

Nothing homewrecker level but perhaps a few walk of shames filled with cookie crumbs and tears of regret.

 

cookie

This actually happened in my HOME, multiple times, in front of the kids, the horror!

Since I have made it past the days of puree and onto solid food with both of my gremlins  – I thought it time to revive the VeggieNation blog and least to share what is cooking in my kitchen and what veggies I dig up on the road.

Staying in style in the kitchen and on the road it tough work — so I bring you two woke recipes that are trending all over social media and my family gobbled up like a pack of rabid raccoons. First, the Buddha Bowl and second Cauliflower “Fried” Rice.

I call my rendition the Oops! Buddha Bowl because it was supposed to be an orgy of ancient grains, veggies of varying colors and textures and plant based protein. My friend rare red meat showed up and f’ed with Buddha a bit –   #leftoversarecheaters.

budda

Oops! Buddha Bowl (Sorry, Vegetarians & Vageatarians )

 

I later learned the error of my ways and that there are a thousand ways to slice a Buddha. It was so personal I didn’t even take pictures — raw, plant based, exotic… Oh, Buddha (pull yourself together VegGina).

My friends at Active Vegetarian have this helpful little chart, loads of pictures and an amazing blog post all about it… Check it out and get woke!

shopping-list-for-buddha-bowls

Check out the how to post at Active Vegetarian 

Recipe 2 came through a Facebook friend who successfully gave a cauliflower a good rub and tug and transformed it into fried rice. She cites her success from learning from the pros at Skinny Taste . I think they over thought the recipe – but I shower in 2 minutes – so what do I know.

rice

Here are the Taste of VegGina  easy steps:

1) Wash cauliflower.

2)Get a sharp-ass knife, wave it around like a ninja just to ensure your family knows you are cooking up something serious.

3) Chop the HELL out of it  (just the white part) till it is riced up!

4) Heat sesame oil in a pan, add a little garlic, pour a little out on the counter to pay respect to the paseanos that have passed and cook till tender.

5) Add frozen peas and carrot cubes and a few splashes of Teriyaki to taste.

6) Yell, Hiya, dinner is served!

Hot Tip 107: Add shrimp – so you don’t have to grill another protein!

IMG_1468

Did you miss me? Answer correctly…

Well that’s it! You got a VegGina update, learned a dope new term – “woke” and got two recipes out of me. Now open wide…

 

Until, next time my Veggie-loving friends!

Peace & Veg –
VegGina

Cranberry Beans, Beans, they are good for your…

10 Oct

Ok Ladies, if beans are good for your heart and beans make you fart, t hen, nothing says I love you more then your husband lighting up the bedroom with some wicked fecal stinkage during that post dinner roll in the hay.

“Sorry honey those burritos combined with you pressing your naked self against me – it just slipped out.”

Or

How about getting in bed in your sexy lingerie just to be SBD dutch ovened. (Folks SBD =’s Silent But Deadly)  and  the You Tube video below shows a good example of a dutch oven.

And the worst part is that these boys**, who we call husbands, think that this type of aroma therapy is both acceptable and funny.  In actuality it should be used by the government as an terrorist interrogation technique.

**Please remember the only difference between men and boys is the size of their toys.

So, when my loving hubby came home with a sack of Cranberry Beans I wondered, do you think he wants some tonight? Should I sneak him some gas-x?

 

Cranberry beans are a lot like pinto beans. They have a pretty color before being cooked and are a bit drab looking after. The benefit is in their sweet chestnut-like taste and the ability to cook them without soaking them.

Here is a great recipe I found in a back-issue of Gourmet from a few years back  and made as a side dish with dinner the other night, it was y-u-m-m-y.

Cranberry Beans with Parsley Pesto

What you need:

  • 2 quarts water
  • 4 cups shelled fresh cranberry beans (about 2 1/4 pounds un-shelled beans)
  • 1 teaspoon salt
  • 1 1/4 cups chopped seeded plum tomatoes (I used yellow cherry tomatoes cause that is what I had)
  • 1/2 cup finely chopped red onion
  • 3/4 cup fresh parsley leaves
  • 1/2 cup fresh basil leaves
  • 2 tablespoons grated fresh Parmesan cheese
  • 2 tablespoons chopped walnuts, toasted
  • 3 tablespoons extra-virgin olive oil
  • 2 tablespoons water
  • 1 tablespoon fresh lemon juice
  • 1/2 teaspoon salt
  • 1/8 teaspoon freshly ground black pepper
  • 1 garlic clove

What to do:

  • Shell and wash beans.
  • Bring 2 quarts water to a boil in a large saucepan; stir in cranberry beans and 1 teaspoon salt. Reduce heat, and simmer, uncovered, 40 minutes or until beans are tender. Drain beans; place in a large bowl. Stir in tomato and onion.
  • Combine parsley and remaining ingredients in a food processor or blender; process until finely chopped, scraping sides of bowl /pitcher occasionally. Add herb mixture to the bean mixture, and toss to combine. Serve at room temperate.

*We used this to top a nice halibut for dinner , it made it pretty and tasted great.

Until next time, eat your veggies!!

PS: I ate some of this salad left over for lunch and I just crop dusted my NJ Transit commuter bus passengers on the way out!

Nice Sicilian Eggplants!

26 Sep

With all due respect to breast cancer survivors and those fighting the horrible cancer now if the cancer was in your elbow it would not be so popular. Save the elbows! Fight arm crack cancer. Think pink for funny bones! Just don’t have the same ring as I love boobies or Save the Tatas.

Face it America loves: Titties, Jubblies, Gazongas, Hooters, Boobies, Titbits, Flap Jacks, Dairy Holders, Globos, The Twins, Bee Stings, The Girls, Spaniels ears, Cantaloupes,Fried eggs, Tatas, Cans, Jugs, Knockers, Baby Feeders, Balloons, Chesticles,Fun Bags,Torpedos, Tweekers or Boobs – Please submit what you call them to me in the comments section.

After experiencing Sicilian Eggplants, I need to add them to the boobie nickname list. We are talking Pam Anderson stature.

Since I have smaller chesticles, I chopped this Sicilian eggplant up and served it for dinner!

Save the Sicilian Eggplants Dinner


What You Need:

1 Package of Mini-Raviolis
1 Large Sicilian Eggplant
2 Servings of Shrimp

Pepper Pesto:
1/4 cup Olive Oil
1 large roasted red pepper
1 bunch of basil leaves
1/8 cup of parm cheese

Instructions:
Cook Ravioli’s according to package directions

Chop eggplant and cook in a saute pan.
Peel and wash shrimp add to pan once eggplant is soft.

Place all pesto ingredients in blender.

Layer ravioli, eggplant, shrimp and then pesto in a bowl.
Top with Parmesan cheese and enjoy!

Flying Saucers…

19 Aug
After watching a documentary about UFO’s on the military channel my husband and I got into a “conversation” on alien life form – does it exist and if so is the government covering it up. Words like Roswell, Area 51, the Nazis, Riley Martin, and even Mork and Mindy came up in this debate.
He seems to think that these freaky little creatures roam among us, have crashed their ships trying to make contact and have their full-time residences a whole lot of light years away. I am more from the school of thought that we stole flying saucer technology from the Nazis back in the day and are trying to cover it up. For more on my viewpoint, click here. For more on my viewpoint, click here. For more on the hubby’s view check out Riley Martin’s website.
Ever since my hubby shared his view with me I have got to thinking – Is he right, do alien’s exist? What if they roam amongst us? Do they have human needs and desires – in other words -Do they get horny? How freaky is Alien sex? Do they want to “do it” with humans? How do they select a human or do humans select them?
What IF Aliens do exist? What IF they took out personal ads upon their arrival on earth (I know, I know a facebook profile seems more viable these days but humor me).

BGA seeking SWF
(Big Green Alien seeking Single White Female)
I am a 4ft tall, 120lb  alien that likes long walks under a crescent moon, romantic gravity-free dinners, and sweet loving. I may not look “big” but trust me honey when my  “rocket ship” comes out to play you will see stars. (See photo and trust me “it” is on the inside, ready  to come out and serve you. Willing to relocate to another galaxy for the right human.

Secret Lovers?
Sweet radioactive Green martian man looking for a secret relationship with a super human female that has a good genetic code to give birth to martian offspring and raise them amongst the human race. Alien “baby” can expect to have a large head due to evolved brain – although if a male baby they will still only use half capacity as the other half of their brain power will be in their pants, yes it is green, long hard and glowing.

Wanna see my BIG rocket ship?
Are you a sexy human? Interested in being abducted? Have fantasy’s about doing it aboard the mother-ship? Into kinky Alien sex? Call 588-2300 and see my empire today!

Which Alien ad would you answer?
The question still remains – do alien’s exist? In case they do I will honor the little freaks by making Flying Saucers.

Flying Saucers

What You Need:
– 2-3 Portobello Mushroom Caps
– 1 Tomato
-Bunch of Basil
-1 roasted red peppers
-Garlic
-Olive Oil
-Shredded Mozzarella
– Parm cheese, to taste

What To Do:
-Clean mushroom, removing stem
-Slice tomato
-Top with both cheeses
-Blend pesto sauce: combine 1 cup fresh basil leaves, 1 chopped red pepper, 1/4 cup parm cheese, touch of garlic and 1/4 cup of olive oil, blend till combined
-Place pesto on top of cheese
-Grill for 15-20 minutes until mushroom is tender.

FU-zzy Squash Fan Letters

12 Aug
Hi Veggie-files –
All summer my adoring fans have been bombarding me with squash questions – probably cause they have so many zucchini plants and full grown squashes in their yard. I have been soooo busy writing them back that I haven’t posted, oops!
Anyway, I’d like to share with you my fav squash fan letters:

Dear
VeGina,
I am trying to decide my veggie sexuality and would like to know do squashes have genders?
-Confused in Canada

Dear Confused,
Actually squash plants produce both male and female flowers. I like to call them Squash-maphrodites. Good luck with the pre-op transgendered thing – keep eating your veggies it will help.
-Hugs, VeGina

Hey
VeGina
Love the blog. Write more often, ok? I was wondering  do squash flowers have sex, make love, bang, do the horizontal mambo, hide the sweet Italian sausage, play a little game of in and out? Man I am sweating now… need my hands, gotta go.
-Veggie Sex in Seattle

Yo VS,
Splash some cold water dude. Squash flowers do not have “traditional” sex they only have threesomes with bees (please do not try this at home it could be dangerous!) For fruit to grow, pollen must be transferred from the male to the female bloom. Pollinating insects, mostly bees, carry out this important job resulting in fresh squash for the kitchen.
Buzz, Buzz – let’s get it on squash flower style,
VeGina

Dearest Veggie Queen, 
I love your thoughts on all things vegetable and sexy, therefore I need to write for some quite serious advice.  I have a vegetable growing on my back fence which produces a pale green fruit three feet long and 3 to 6 inches in diameter.  What should I do with it?
– Thanks,  Desperate for a dildo in DenverWoah Desperate in Denver (Can I call you DD),

DD thanks for the Queen title. Anyway, sounds like I NEED to tell you what NOT to do with it. Do NOT by any means stick it in any holes, especially ones that banana flowers belong in.

So, this also means do NOT eat it or otherwise put it in your mouth. Squash will cross-pollinate with other types of squash, for example yellow squash with green squash. This cross-pollination will not result in off- flavored or off-colored fruit from this year’s garden but if seed are saved for planting next year the result will be a combination. If yellow squash crosses with a zucchini squash and you plant the seed, the new plant will have the characteristics of both. In other words, incest squash.
-Try Match.com or Jdate.com, Veggie Gina

Trust Me It Is Furry!

Hi VegGina
Love the recipes, I too am always hunting for a new veggie to try. Hanging out at the Asian grocer last week I picked up a long, hard, hairy squash. Any ideas what I should do with it besides pet it and call it
Jai Wang?
-Love, Long Hard Asian Squash in Long Branch

Thanks NJ Squash Lover,
My first bit of advice is to let go of the hairy Asian Wang and make a yummy recipe like FU-zzy Squash Stew (see recipe below).This recipe works really well with “fuzzy squash” no joke that is its name, it is similar to zucchini, so feel free to substitute it if you have a little extra laying around.
-Veg-ing Out, G

FU-zzy Squash Stew 

You Need: 
-1 medium fuzzy squash (from your Asian Grocer) or a nice sized zucchini
-1 large vidala onion
-1 large green pepper
-1/2 cup tomato gravy
– Olive oil
-1 tsp Basil
– 1 tsp diced garlic
– S&P to taste
-1 can of diced tomatoes with basil and onion
What To Do: 
-Dice all fresh veggies
-Heat large frying pan, add olive oil and diced veggies
-Add gravy & seasonings
-Cook until veggies are becoming tender
-Add can of tomatoes
-Cook until all veggies are tender and tomatoes are heated through
-Top with parmesan or mozarella cheese
Look at your work say YUM and enjoy!
Until next veggie,
G
PS: A final note: Thanks for the inspiration Aggie and Leah Dieterich author of thxthxthx: Thank Goodness for Everything

Who the Fanuk are you?

21 Jul

FANUK – short for finocchio, an Italian word for fennel and vernacular for homosexual man (probably because the bulb fennel plant looks like the male genitals).

Ever bite into a piece of fennel expecting the crisp nothing-ness of celery and get a mouth full of black jelly beans?

Ever meet a man you want to introduce to your hot gay cousin when you uncover he has a wife and children he is actually  in love and happy with?

Come on you probably know two or three of these special breed of men. It could be your uncle, your friend’s husband, a university professor or a colleague. They are stereotypically gay – they prance about, sip tea with their pinky up, cross their legs, peel fruit before eating it, gel their hair, have a keen fashion sense and have that special sorta sing-y inflection to their voice. These men are up on the latest gossip and could give two shits about the Yankees stats, but damn Jeter looked good on that interview about his batting thing.

You never dare to ask them the things you yearn to know – Do you an your wife have sex the way God intended you to?  Do you like a-licky-dicky? Have you tried knocking at the backdoor?  Or aren’t you the least bit bi-curious – cause, we all think you are.

If you have not guessed it yet I am talking about the NON-homosexual, gay man. Hetero-gays are a rare and interesting breed.  It is beyond metro-sexual and not quite a plug and play homosexual but a weird mystical mix of man.  This is how I see it: Gay men are celery, crisp, clean with little flowery leaves on top – what you see is what you get. While hetero-gays are more the Fanuk or fennel you think you are getting celery but whoops its Jägermeister, still good but unexpectedly so.

In the spirit of being unexpected I decided to grill up some fennel with watermelon to make a nice summer grilled salad. If you happen to be brave give this a try it is quite good – like when my hetero-gay friend buys his wife clothes.


Fanuk You and Fanuk Her, Too – Watermelon & Fennel Salad

You Need:

1 Fennel bulb

1 Cup of watermelon

2 oz of olive oil

1.5 oz of lemon juice

Few dashes of:

Lemon pepper

Salt

Pepper

Garlic Salt

Dill (Dash this two or three times)

What to Do:

-Separate fennel bulb, wash and slice into pieces (cutting off ends and rough bits)

-Chop watermelon into cubes

-Mix remaining ingredients and coat fennel and watermelon

-Grill fennel first, about 20 minutes until tender

-Add watermelon for 5 minutes to give a slight char

Enjoy.

And at the next BBQ ask your uncle or neighbor  – ever want to put it in the pooper?

Vegging Out,

VeGina

Porta-Veggies

25 Jun

Potties are not the only thing that can be porta ya’ know.

PURPLE Porta-Pot!!

It has been a busy start to summer. It seems like my hubby and I have been around the world in 25 days. I do not know if I have cooked a real meal all month- NO that does not mean we haven’t eaten veggies but it does mean a lot of them have been in diners, rest stops and brown paper bags.

As I have said before I flirt with vegetarianism – it is like dating the bad boy rebel – you know it is not sustainable as a lifestyle but you enjoy a walk on the wild side now an again. (Yes, carnivores veggies can get crazy – remember the PETA PSA?) I picked June to be one of those vegetarian months.  So, I have had to think of ways to infuse our lives with portable, road trip worthy veggie options. Figuring you needed some roadside veggie lust too – I thought I’d pass along my top 10 porta-veggie snacks. I can guarantee they taste and smell a lot better then that tailgate porta-potty.

10. Brother’s All Natural – Freeze Dried Fruit and Potato Crisps These are a great alternative to rest stop vending machine junk. Plus, the fruit tastes great as an addition to wet and juicy items -get your mind out of the gutter – I mean things like oatmeal or cereal with milk.

9. Baby Carrots – These little gems are my favorite on-the-go treat. They are sweet, delicious, portable and no bigger than a pocket rocket. Try dipping them in creamy things, yumm!

Often we associate PP with porta in this case Peas and Peas are the next two porta-veggies.

8. Wasabi Peas Some like it hot and these little balls are S-P-I-C-Y. Find them in your grocery store and partner with a rich pinot-aqua- yes folks, WATER.

7. SnaPeaCrisps Warning!! These snack salads are addictive, so open the bag alone in a dark room so you don’t look like a Snap Pea whore when you keep going back for more.

6. Ants on a Log – This Girl Scout favorite can count as a whole vegetarian  meal. Celery, peanut butter and plump raisins. Yumm.

5. Cream Shaft – This long, hard, green shaft filled with rich thick cream is just so I could make Ants on a Log perverse, but a good porta-veggie anyway. (Celery stuffed with cream cheese!!)

4. Grow Your Own! – Alright not totally porta-veg but good if you split your summer nights between Sea Bright and Berkley Heights, NJ (#justsayin). You can grow your veg wherever you’re at – check out the website they even have a lame youtube video in case you can’t figure out how to put dirt in a bucket.

3. Shish Kebobs – So, this is a real recipe I did for a tailgate this summer in Mansfield, Mass. It is really simple – toothpicks, mini-mozzarella balls, basil leaves and grape tomatoes  – stick one of each on a toothpick and walla – porta-veg!

2. Salad Blaster – No this is not what the big dump you take after a vegetarian meal but, a really nifty invention for eating salad on the go without the lettuce wilt cause face it – no one likes a limp veggie.

1. The “Champs” Bloody Mary – This drink is like no other, it is your full serving of veggies for a 24 hour period – many restaurants will try to imitate but none can top the Champs, State College, PA, Bloody Mary!!

So, veggie lovers and meaty pals when you are on the go don’t forget what your Mama always told you – “Eat Your Veggies!”

Got a porta-veg ideas? Leave a comment – below.

The Magical G of Mrs. Jolly Green Giant

3 Jun

The G-spot. Some doubt it’s existence, other tout its power and magnificence. Many are on the hunt to find it, few actually do. Some say it causes secretion, others incontinence.

If the Jolly Green Giant’s wife had one it would be a Fiddlehead. The reasons why you ask?

1) Fiddleheads are hard to find. So are G-spots.
2) When you turn the heat on they secrete into the pan of water causing it to discolor. When a G-spot is stimulated correctly, squirting happens, when squirting happens, sometimes stains happen.
3) According to the experts G-spots have a spongy texture, so do the center of a fiddlehead.
4) Fiddleheads are found in places prone to flooding. G-spot manipulation causes flooding.
5) Jolly Green Giant’s are green and while we’d like to think every lady is pink on the inside, Mrs. Jolly Green’s jollies are just that GREEN, like a fiddlehead!


So, this proves…

  • Mrs. Jolly Green has a G.
  • Mr. Jolly Green is fiddling for it.
  • IF he finds it and gives it a giant poking -Mrs. Jolly Green could ruin her Giant bed sheets.

So, the Giant’s should probably stick with putting their Jolly Green’s in the CAN (see last week’s blog) or keeping it steam fresh.

Besides serving as Mrs. Jolly Green’s G-spot, the fiddlehead is grown for people who have “a zest for life” – don’t believe me read the back of the bag!

It is actually a fern plant,  easy to cook and tastes like a hybrid of green beans and asparagus. I totally just boiled them up and seasoned them for an uber-simple side-dish.

Fiddling a Green G – Side Dish

What You Need:
-1 Bag of Fiddleheads
-1 Lime
-1/4-1/2 cup Cilantro
-1 tsp. Garlic
-S&P

What To Do:
– Wash and snip the ends of the fiddleheads (they will be brown due to the high iron content)
– Place in pot of water, bring to a boil. The water will discolor, this is normal.
-Cook for 10-15 minutes until tender
-Toss with juice of one lime, cilantro, garlic and a dash of salt and pepper.
-Enjoy!

For more information on finding your lady’s G-spot, click here.

How’d You Like to be Anal-ized by a Banana Flower?

20 May

Now, let me begin this post by saying I am not an angry or violent person – I feel bad for mice in traps, can’t kill a lady bug and believe “what the world needs now , is love sweet love”. However, I am also five-foot tall.

Ok, you’re saying, what the hell does that have to do with anything Vegina? Well, I’ll tell you.

This week we went to see the legendary drummer Brian Tichy play with a little know rock band from the 80’s called Whitesnake, maybe you’ve heard of them. Anyway, the venue, Irving Plaza is general admission standing room only. About halfway through the show, right before the drum solo I paid $65 to see, this he/she Amazon of a person pushes its way through the crowd and plants themselves directly in front of me. Imagine a 6-foot tall, androgynous Viola Swamp type character (picture below).

So, I’m mad that I can’t see but, I’m even madder that shim is on its blackberry not even watching the freaking concert. I want to scream and pound my fists at this 9ft tall barrier  (yes, she/he is getting bigger) between me and Whitesnake –“CAN”T F*%KING STAND BEHIND ME AND TEXT SO SHORTY CAN ENJOY THE SHOW, AND BY THE WAY YOUR PERFUME STINKS LIKE DIRTY ASS.”

In that moment of RAGE I think of my Banana Flower.


No, it is not a beautiful flower that I visualize to calm and soothe my raging emotions. It is what I think about doing with this prop. I think about ramming it so far up this woman/man’s butt that shim has bananas coming out of every one orifice imaginable. The Banana Flower is nature’s butt plug* and she/he is ruining my day, therefore it deserves nothing less than to be anal-ized.

Ok, ok I guess I could ask her nicely to move  or take a xanax– nah passive aggressive anal-izeation is much more fun. I bet she/he would never stand with its back to me again!

*If you can not imagine how a butt plug matches up to a banana flower I am not linking to it, google it yourself, and NOT at work.

I love Hungry Girl’s Shrimp Pad Thai so I switched a few things up to make room for the Banana Flower. For those of you who are not familiar with the Banana Flower it is just that the flower that banana’s grow from. The little buds in the pic above are what become bananas. They taste almost like a super green banana if you chomp on one raw.  Heavy Table has a great article on these guys, check it out. We were real happy with the results and kept the flower out of the area where the sun doesn’t shine.

Bend Over Banana Flower Pad Thai

What You Need
-2 packages House Foods or Miracle Noodle Tofu Shirataki, Fettuccine Shape
-4 ounces cooked medium shrimp, peeled and deveined
-1 cup of diced peppers
-1.5 cups bean sprouts
-3/4 cup chopped scallions
-1 banana flower heart diced
-1 egg white
-4 tablespoons canned tomato sauce
-4 tablespoons light or low-sodium teriyaki sauce
2 tablespoon chili garlic sauce
-2 teaspoon Peanut Butter
-2 tablespoons Splenda

What to Do

-Rinse and drain shirataki noodles well. Pat dry.
-Place noodles in a microwave bowl and microwave for 1 minute.(They will smell fishy,this is the only time that it’s ok)
-Drain excess liquid from noodles and pat them until thoroughly dry. Cut noodles into pieces about 3 inches in length. Set aside.

-In a small bowl, combine tomato sauce, teriyaki sauce, chili garlic sauce, peanut butter, and Splenda, and stir thoroughly. Set aside as well.
-Spray a wok or large pan with nonstick spray and set heat to medium-high. Once pan is hot, add egg white. Stirring constantly, cook for 1 minute or until egg is soft scrambled.
-Add veggies (woo hoo), and cook for until tender. Then add noodles, sauce mixture, and shrimp. Stir thoroughly, and cook for 3 minutes or until dish is heated throughout.

This is enough for two peeps! Enjoy!

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