Archive | May, 2011

How’d You Like to be Anal-ized by a Banana Flower?

20 May

Now, let me begin this post by saying I am not an angry or violent person – I feel bad for mice in traps, can’t kill a lady bug and believe “what the world needs now , is love sweet love”. However, I am also five-foot tall.

Ok, you’re saying, what the hell does that have to do with anything Vegina? Well, I’ll tell you.

This week we went to see the legendary drummer Brian Tichy play with a little know rock band from the 80’s called Whitesnake, maybe you’ve heard of them. Anyway, the venue, Irving Plaza is general admission standing room only. About halfway through the show, right before the drum solo I paid $65 to see, this he/she Amazon of a person pushes its way through the crowd and plants themselves directly in front of me. Imagine a 6-foot tall, androgynous Viola Swamp type character (picture below).

So, I’m mad that I can’t see but, I’m even madder that shim is on its blackberry not even watching the freaking concert. I want to scream and pound my fists at this 9ft tall barrier  (yes, she/he is getting bigger) between me and Whitesnake –“CAN”T F*%KING STAND BEHIND ME AND TEXT SO SHORTY CAN ENJOY THE SHOW, AND BY THE WAY YOUR PERFUME STINKS LIKE DIRTY ASS.”

In that moment of RAGE I think of my Banana Flower.

No, it is not a beautiful flower that I visualize to calm and soothe my raging emotions. It is what I think about doing with this prop. I think about ramming it so far up this woman/man’s butt that shim has bananas coming out of every one orifice imaginable. The Banana Flower is nature’s butt plug* and she/he is ruining my day, therefore it deserves nothing less than to be anal-ized.

Ok, ok I guess I could ask her nicely to move  or take a xanax– nah passive aggressive anal-izeation is much more fun. I bet she/he would never stand with its back to me again!

*If you can not imagine how a butt plug matches up to a banana flower I am not linking to it, google it yourself, and NOT at work.

I love Hungry Girl’s Shrimp Pad Thai so I switched a few things up to make room for the Banana Flower. For those of you who are not familiar with the Banana Flower it is just that the flower that banana’s grow from. The little buds in the pic above are what become bananas. They taste almost like a super green banana if you chomp on one raw.  Heavy Table has a great article on these guys, check it out. We were real happy with the results and kept the flower out of the area where the sun doesn’t shine.

Bend Over Banana Flower Pad Thai

What You Need
-2 packages House Foods or Miracle Noodle Tofu Shirataki, Fettuccine Shape
-4 ounces cooked medium shrimp, peeled and deveined
-1 cup of diced peppers
-1.5 cups bean sprouts
-3/4 cup chopped scallions
-1 banana flower heart diced
-1 egg white
-4 tablespoons canned tomato sauce
-4 tablespoons light or low-sodium teriyaki sauce
2 tablespoon chili garlic sauce
-2 teaspoon Peanut Butter
-2 tablespoons Splenda

What to Do

-Rinse and drain shirataki noodles well. Pat dry.
-Place noodles in a microwave bowl and microwave for 1 minute.(They will smell fishy,this is the only time that it’s ok)
-Drain excess liquid from noodles and pat them until thoroughly dry. Cut noodles into pieces about 3 inches in length. Set aside.

-In a small bowl, combine tomato sauce, teriyaki sauce, chili garlic sauce, peanut butter, and Splenda, and stir thoroughly. Set aside as well.
-Spray a wok or large pan with nonstick spray and set heat to medium-high. Once pan is hot, add egg white. Stirring constantly, cook for 1 minute or until egg is soft scrambled.
-Add veggies (woo hoo), and cook for until tender. Then add noodles, sauce mixture, and shrimp. Stir thoroughly, and cook for 3 minutes or until dish is heated throughout.

This is enough for two peeps! Enjoy!

DISCLAIMER – The author of this blog practices a firm exit only policy and will not stand for anal-ization of any type, nor were any anus’s hurt in the writing of this post.


Cold Fishy Whisker Tacos

16 May

When I was a wee sprout my family, taught me a lot of life lessons, some of the keepers were:

” Success comes to those who hustle wisely”

“Above all things in life, find your personal happiness and be happy”

” Remember, you work-ah (italian accent) for da-h government-ah”

However, the most valuable life lesson came one hot summer afternoon at the municipal pool when I was about 10. This gem was from my Mom. Hanging at the town pool with out-of-shape half-nude neighbors and church ladies sunning it in their one-pieces was a treat in itself, but this day in particular we got even more of a gift. This fine afternoon Mom exclaimed:

Oh-my-God, Donna*  did not trim her whiskers!” (*Names have been changed to protect the innocent).

I looked and looked at Donna’s face and did not see a stash, so I asked, “Mom, where are her whiskers.”  She pointed in horror, ” her bikini line, has whiskers sticking out, the side!”  Then, Mom sat me down and looked me straight in the eye and said “listen to me, you must always, always trim the whiskers, they do not belong sticking out.” Me -10 years-old, thinking, I’m sure I know how hair even gets down there says: ” Ok, Mom, can I go play kickball now?”

I would totally post a pic here of a Donna crotch look-alike but, this is a food blog and I don’t want you to lose your appetite.  So, I will go with a pic of these Alfalfa/Dill Sprouts that remind me of over grown pubes and thus took me back to the town pool and Donna’s whiskers.

Not that I know for certain but, I am sure they taste much better then middle-age whiskers but, you’d have to ask Donna’s husband to be sure.

When you stop gagging, try this recipe.

Fishy Whisker Tacos

You Need:
– 2 whole wheat wraps
1/2 cup of alfalfa/dill sprouts, washed 
-4oz of cream cheese 
-4oz of nova lox
-S &P  

What To Do:

-In a bowl mix cream cheese with tbs dill, salt and pepper to taste
-Spread cc mixture on whole wheat wrap
-Layer on 2oz of nova on each wrap
-Add sprouts in center
-Wrap wrap around contents and enjoy!

Note: You could also make these on petite toasts and serve them at your summer swim party, as a reminder to trim the whiskers, just saying.

In a Pickle or a Pickle in me?

13 May

As you might already know I started a new job about a month ago, which has been great in all respects but my ability to find the time and energy to eat home-cooked food let alone cook and blog about it. In the past month I have endured goodbye drinks, farewell lunches, congratulatory dinners, and thank you appetizers followed by welcome lunches, client lunches, vendor coffee meet ups, company morale bagel breakfasts, royal wedding tea and scones, departmental lunches, Osama slaying snacks, board meeting bagels, executive team dinners and on and on and on. I have eaten more bagels, Cobb salads (no bacon, dressing on the side please) and salmon dinners then any one person should have to. If I never have a meal out for other people’s entertainment again, where I must use table manners btw, I will be ecstatic.

However, the one delicacy I did discover at the Heartland Brewery happy hour was the fried pickle. It is the best worst thing for me that I ever ate.

Now, I love put pickles in my mouth, and my favorite are those HUGE ones from the barrel. My husband does not really share my love for pickles. Sometimes he comes home and smell pickle on my breath, then I know I’m in trouble. “Really” he’ll say  “how many pickles did you eat?” And me, like every good girl in the world divides by 2, subtracts 1 and gives him my answer with an innocent smile. He only needs to know about those big kosher dills not all those little gherkins, right?

Anyway, take my favorite veggie in the world, dip it in batter and throw it in heart-attack-hot-oil-soup and I’m in veggie purgatory, yupp a little heaven and a little deep fried hell. I wrap my lips around this oxymoron and know I am doing something wrong but, hell I just don’t care. If I die tomorrow, I hope it’s cause I choked on a deep fried pickle.

The happy part of this pickle hour got me thinking…. I wonder if I could make my own pickles? While daydreaming at my local grocer these green cuties caught my eye.

I said hell, let’s go for it. With the help of my local produce guy I learned how to make refrigerator pickles with my own pickling spices. They cured in the fridge for about a week and a half and were not half bad when I took them out. Still, pickles in a barrel are better and deep fried ones are best but, I can truly attest that I’m a pickler now and don’t tell anyone but even my hubby put these pickles in his mouth, and I think he liked um’!

My Favorite Pickling Spice (makes a sweet and spicy pickle)
  • 2 tablespoons mustard seeds
  • 2 tablespoons whole allspice
  • 2 teaspoons coriander seeds
  • 2 teaspoons whole cloves
  • 1 teaspoon ground ginger
  • 1 teaspoon dried red pepper flake
  • 1 cinnamon stick (2 inches)

Or say the heck with this and use just dill, as I did for the second batch!!
Hope you get a pickle in you this week!

The Holy Trinity – Three Veggie Recipes for EASTER!

2 May

I am pumping my brakes a little on my super skeezy blog posts as I just found out at Easter dinner that my mother-in-law is one of my biggest fans. I don’t have it in me to write about hairy girly bits, penises of all shapes & sizes or sexual encounters from around the globe – sorry Mom you will have to wait until next post to pray for my soul. 

Another thing to mention is my dear friend Andrew Burke McIntyre has told me to put more links in my blog. So, Andrew, click away! And if any of you have complaints you can email Andrew directly at really go ahead email him!!
Anyway, Easter was lovely, thanks for asking. We visited with friends and family all weekend which gave us a lot to talk and laugh about as well as many opportunities to eat veggies!! For Easter dinner, I was assigned the VEG. So, I whipped up three very veggies dishes.

1) Parsnips & Carrots, from my January 18, 2011 post. Since parsnips and an aphrodisiac I must interject with a little dirty easter joke.
What did the easter egg say to the boiling water?
Its gonna take me a while to get hard I just got laid by some chick.
Damn, it is impossible to keep it clean!
Note: I used whole wheat bow-ties (cause they were cheaper & healthier) and haricot verts (cause I am that upscale!!), plus I added multi-colored peppers to veggie-it-up a bit!
And finally, this delicious take on Tomatoes Caprice using strawberries instead!

3)Strawberries and Fresh Mozzarella with Mint Pesto Drizzle, a summer staple, courtesy of Family Circle!!
Well, that was our linkable lovely Easter. Try these recipes and let me know what you think they are all really YUMMY! 
For anyone who misses the dirty veggie posts tune in next week, or check this out!