How’d You Like to be Anal-ized by a Banana Flower?

20 May

Now, let me begin this post by saying I am not an angry or violent person – I feel bad for mice in traps, can’t kill a lady bug and believe “what the world needs now , is love sweet love”. However, I am also five-foot tall.

Ok, you’re saying, what the hell does that have to do with anything Vegina? Well, I’ll tell you.

This week we went to see the legendary drummer Brian Tichy play with a little know rock band from the 80’s called Whitesnake, maybe you’ve heard of them. Anyway, the venue, Irving Plaza is general admission standing room only. About halfway through the show, right before the drum solo I paid $65 to see, this he/she Amazon of a person pushes its way through the crowd and plants themselves directly in front of me. Imagine a 6-foot tall, androgynous Viola Swamp type character (picture below).

So, I’m mad that I can’t see but, I’m even madder that shim is on its blackberry not even watching the freaking concert. I want to scream and pound my fists at this 9ft tall barrier  (yes, she/he is getting bigger) between me and Whitesnake –“CAN”T F*%KING STAND BEHIND ME AND TEXT SO SHORTY CAN ENJOY THE SHOW, AND BY THE WAY YOUR PERFUME STINKS LIKE DIRTY ASS.”

In that moment of RAGE I think of my Banana Flower.


No, it is not a beautiful flower that I visualize to calm and soothe my raging emotions. It is what I think about doing with this prop. I think about ramming it so far up this woman/man’s butt that shim has bananas coming out of every one orifice imaginable. The Banana Flower is nature’s butt plug* and she/he is ruining my day, therefore it deserves nothing less than to be anal-ized.

Ok, ok I guess I could ask her nicely to move  or take a xanax– nah passive aggressive anal-izeation is much more fun. I bet she/he would never stand with its back to me again!

*If you can not imagine how a butt plug matches up to a banana flower I am not linking to it, google it yourself, and NOT at work.

I love Hungry Girl’s Shrimp Pad Thai so I switched a few things up to make room for the Banana Flower. For those of you who are not familiar with the Banana Flower it is just that the flower that banana’s grow from. The little buds in the pic above are what become bananas. They taste almost like a super green banana if you chomp on one raw.  Heavy Table has a great article on these guys, check it out. We were real happy with the results and kept the flower out of the area where the sun doesn’t shine.

Bend Over Banana Flower Pad Thai

What You Need
-2 packages House Foods or Miracle Noodle Tofu Shirataki, Fettuccine Shape
-4 ounces cooked medium shrimp, peeled and deveined
-1 cup of diced peppers
-1.5 cups bean sprouts
-3/4 cup chopped scallions
-1 banana flower heart diced
-1 egg white
-4 tablespoons canned tomato sauce
-4 tablespoons light or low-sodium teriyaki sauce
2 tablespoon chili garlic sauce
-2 teaspoon Peanut Butter
-2 tablespoons Splenda

What to Do

-Rinse and drain shirataki noodles well. Pat dry.
-Place noodles in a microwave bowl and microwave for 1 minute.(They will smell fishy,this is the only time that it’s ok)
-Drain excess liquid from noodles and pat them until thoroughly dry. Cut noodles into pieces about 3 inches in length. Set aside.

-In a small bowl, combine tomato sauce, teriyaki sauce, chili garlic sauce, peanut butter, and Splenda, and stir thoroughly. Set aside as well.
-Spray a wok or large pan with nonstick spray and set heat to medium-high. Once pan is hot, add egg white. Stirring constantly, cook for 1 minute or until egg is soft scrambled.
-Add veggies (woo hoo), and cook for until tender. Then add noodles, sauce mixture, and shrimp. Stir thoroughly, and cook for 3 minutes or until dish is heated throughout.

This is enough for two peeps! Enjoy!

DISCLAIMER – The author of this blog practices a firm exit only policy and will not stand for anal-ization of any type, nor were any anus’s hurt in the writing of this post.

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