Archive | July, 2011

Who the Fanuk are you?

21 Jul

FANUK – short for finocchio, an Italian word for fennel and vernacular for homosexual man (probably because the bulb fennel plant looks like the male genitals).

Ever bite into a piece of fennel expecting the crisp nothing-ness of celery and get a mouth full of black jelly beans?

Ever meet a man you want to introduce to your hot gay cousin when you uncover he has a wife and children he is actually  in love and happy with?

Come on you probably know two or three of these special breed of men. It could be your uncle, your friend’s husband, a university professor or a colleague. They are stereotypically gay – they prance about, sip tea with their pinky up, cross their legs, peel fruit before eating it, gel their hair, have a keen fashion sense and have that special sorta sing-y inflection to their voice. These men are up on the latest gossip and could give two shits about the Yankees stats, but damn Jeter looked good on that interview about his batting thing.

You never dare to ask them the things you yearn to know – Do you an your wife have sex the way God intended you to?  Do you like a-licky-dicky? Have you tried knocking at the backdoor?  Or aren’t you the least bit bi-curious – cause, we all think you are.

If you have not guessed it yet I am talking about the NON-homosexual, gay man. Hetero-gays are a rare and interesting breed.  It is beyond metro-sexual and not quite a plug and play homosexual but a weird mystical mix of man.  This is how I see it: Gay men are celery, crisp, clean with little flowery leaves on top – what you see is what you get. While hetero-gays are more the Fanuk or fennel you think you are getting celery but whoops its Jägermeister, still good but unexpectedly so.

In the spirit of being unexpected I decided to grill up some fennel with watermelon to make a nice summer grilled salad. If you happen to be brave give this a try it is quite good – like when my hetero-gay friend buys his wife clothes.

Fanuk You and Fanuk Her, Too – Watermelon & Fennel Salad

You Need:

1 Fennel bulb

1 Cup of watermelon

2 oz of olive oil

1.5 oz of lemon juice

Few dashes of:

Lemon pepper



Garlic Salt

Dill (Dash this two or three times)

What to Do:

-Separate fennel bulb, wash and slice into pieces (cutting off ends and rough bits)

-Chop watermelon into cubes

-Mix remaining ingredients and coat fennel and watermelon

-Grill fennel first, about 20 minutes until tender

-Add watermelon for 5 minutes to give a slight char


And at the next BBQ ask your uncle or neighbor  – ever want to put it in the pooper?

Vegging Out,